Have you just been falsely accused of a crime which was coincidentally caught on tape, that you confessed to, or perhaps overwhelming forensic evidence was found around the bodies implicating you as the killer? Don't you fret young man or woman, the law firm of Obama and Holder has you covered.
Let's just take a look at our past succesful cases.
Case No. 1:
The scenario: two young upstanding African-American's wearing black panther outfits stand outside a polling place in Pennsylvania weilding weapons and intimidating white voters from going in and voting.
The evidence: clear video with audio demonstrating the weapons and your intimidation as well as their faces.
The verdict: a default judgment was taken against the involved parties.
Our solution: No harm ever came to our clients, Obama and Holder simply made sure the Justice Department dropped the case, even after winning it.
Case No. 2:
The scenario: peaceful members of the Service Employees International Union (SEIU, whose head is in tight with Mr. Obama), wearing SEIU T-shirts, attending a town hall meeting about health care reform attack an conservative black man across a table where he was handing out yellow flags with the "don't tread on me" motto after calling him a "nigger".
The evidence: video posted ubiquitously on youtube and splashed across Fox showing the attack.
The verdict: none.
Our solution: at Obama and Holder, we often move in mysterious ways. No charges have been filed to date.
Case No. 3:
The scenario: a famous black athlete kills his white girlfriend and her lover, tracking blood and DNA..........OK, we didn't do that one, but we'd have gotten OJ off, too.
Case No. 4:
The scenario: a radical Islamic terrorist plans multiple attacks on famous buildings in New York and Washington, D.C., with airplanes, toppling two skyrises and killing thousands. He is a foreigner who, presumably, has never stepped foot in the U.S., is captured abroad, and held off of U.S. soil for military tribunal.
The evidence: multiple confessions and subsequent detailed breifings given voluntarily to intelligence officials.
The verdict: pending.
Our solution: have the case transferred to a civilian criminal court in New York City so that he can pose a security risk for a city with a missing skyline, preventing the possibility of finding a neutral jury and applying laws that were never meant to deal with this scenario which could gurantee his acquittal on the merits. No doubt, issues of whether or not he was read his Miranda rights, was offered an attorney at the initial and subsequent questioning stages and if the interrogation tactics used were legal in the context of a court that will tomorrow deal with a breaking and entering charge. Further, here at Obama and Holder, we know that a criminal case is never about the criminal. Allowing him to stand trial in New York in a civilian court will allow the defense attorney the leeway to effectively place the United States and the Bush administration on trial. Assuming no one blows up the court first. Then, it can drag out through endless discovery as the defense attorney subpoenas the records of the CIA, FBI, and other intelligence agencies as well as former administration documents in an attempt to paint the former administration as too evil to allow KSM to be convicted.
WARNING: Our rates are very expensive, and we have the coercive force of the US government behind us to collect them. Welcome to the Obama and Holder law firm.
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